Woman, Interrupted

INDIGNATION: FEELING OF ANGER WHEN SOMETHING UNJUST OR WRONG HAS BEEN DONE TO YOU, WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN WRONGLY ACCUSED OF SOME ACTION.

If destiny’s child would rechristen their 2004 Charlie’s angels OST as indignant woman, that would make my day. I always hated that song, and when the song references to the emotion that I have been able to associate with for the last couple of weeks, well all the more indignant I feel!

Now tracing back to the feeling of indignation. Take for instance last Saturday when I was on my way to an already becoming late test and took the first bus I saw. My class is a good 20 minute ride or so and hence I passed on 5 bucks to the khaki clad man who came upto me. A little while later, I realized that it wasn’t him but another who was issuing the tickets. Fuming (and being the miser I always am) I eye contacted my man in khaki and mouthed ticket. He gave me a very bored look and asked me to hold on. Time flew and so did my imagination. I kept looking at this man and he refused to acknowledge my existence even. Once in a while he threw a smirking look or an occasional leer, like he knew the tricks to aggravate me. I fantasized being pulled up for a fine by the sudden ticket inspector and as my imaginary story increased in amplitude ( with visions of me even clubbing the khahi man to death and being sent to prison) and tears sprung in my eyes against the injustice being met out, khahi man told the ticket collector bout me and once the green slip was in my hand I did feel quite silly thinking back on the Mother India part 2 that I starred in a while back in my head.

Go forward to the next evening. Going back from class after a marathon revision cum class, my tired legs collapsed into the first available seat on the bus. As we neared another stop, three old (say 55 – 60 )women got on. Two found a seat while one had to stand. Now by principle I always give up my seat when I see older people regardless of the crowd and the distance I travel. But today was just not it. So this middle aged lady behind me stood up instead. I hate cribbing people especially old ones. And well as she comfortably sat down, she thanked the other lady profusely ( and too loudly) and began this monologue about how its nice to see that some people do stand up for oldies and how certain youngsters ( aka yours truly ) don’t really care and blah. Well excuse my French was the exact words that I wanted to turn back and spit on her but unfortunately decorum got in the way and tears got in my eye(s). is it fair to judge someone on the basis of one particular action ? some may say no, others yes. No, because it is the circumstance that may force some people to react in the way they do. Yes, because, well the world is small, time is short and quick judgments are the order of the day, be it in business, business or well business.

Rewind to a week back. On a bus ( again) I was staring out the window, when I felt something black creep up out off the periphery of my eye. I turn to my left, by the window…nothing. And I keep looking ahead, but this time a little more alert. What do I see. A very determined young (&^*%) man, with very twichy fingers and a very suitable target ( yours truly takes a bow) I give him a fierce stare, but mr. twitch seems to suddenly find the corporation bank building the bus passes, an interesting piece of architecture. Oh naïve little me! Should have realized he was merely “stretching” his fingers, a want of exercise. Men!

Again then I wanted to break my shoes sole on his face, but then I didn’t. I was what I term an “ all speech but just gas”. I will just talk about anger and retaliation but will not do anything about it. Again there it was. Indignation. Not at mr. twitchy but at my failure to respond. If I had in all probability there would have been an ugly scene. But now that I didn’t whats to say that he wont try this at another unsuspecting traveler. And this time, God Forbid, find the target!

In all these cases, my indignant self was not mocking or laughing or angry with the three cases, but at myself, for not standing up and raising my voice ( or as in the last case, my slipper). When do we all as people feel indignant? When someone like Allistar Pereira walks away with a bail bond, over the bodies of dead migrants. When Sanjay Dutt’s every step onto Vaishnavo Devi being tracked, when Salman khan waves from his balcony, stars safe in their haven not wanting to spend more than a night of their sentence away from Air Con, when one man does spend 25 years in jail inspite of being released decades ago. When congress and BJP play tag over an apology for that kids death. When (and always as I hate them) any of the so called “top” Indian news channels ask for another sms poll/call/”expert talk”/blah. When truly talented athletes struggle to get a sponsorship in contrast with 11 over paid men gape stupidly on field. When parties disagree soo much that our country may just miss the last bus (!) forward. When we see acres being landscaped by people who would not even have a million nth part of it to call home.

What is the point of feeling indignant when some things can be changed by the people. Its just that instead of merely looking down, look around. There will be a change that you can cause, however small it may be, but significant enough. Stand up against what you think is wrong. Reach out even when it is not expected the most. Refuse to accept what is thrown at you if you feel it against your right ( yes and in my case that would be tuning out particular channels). Even if it is to pick up a rusted bottle cap off the path so that others don’t get hurt, remember good begets good. And only if one decides to change, will another follow.

And meanwhile I’ll stay off the buses. Or is it just my PMS?